The Disappointment

You were the "favorite". You were obedient...most of the time. You weren't perfect; you threw a few tantrums here and there. But, in the end you always went back to being the one that no one ever had to worry about because you always did what you were told. You always felt sorry for the ones that rebelled because their lives always seemed hard and difficult. You vowed to never let your life go in that direction. But, now you're here; tired and exhausted from just living a life you were told you should live, and you're wondering why your life is still as difficult as it is. "Wait a little longer," you'd say to yourself. "It won't be long until your efforts are finally recognized." With every trial and difficult time that you faced you repeated this to yourself, and it would reassure you for a time. Now, you're unsure.

It's been a while since those self-encouraging words brought you comfort. Instead, they make you feel pitiful; pathetic, even. You often get that urge to run away; to leave them all behind. But, how could you? You made yourself believe that they need you; that they can't live without you; and you don't have enough confidence to face the world on your own. So, what else is there to do, except throw a tantrum for not being able to live the life you thought you deserved. You rebel. You go against everything you were ever told. You become a disappointment. Why? For what purpose? "Just because." 

The pride that builds up is intoxicating. You don't want to be used anymore than you not wanting to feel pathetic. This is the only way you know how to "fight back". When watching a show where the female lead is being bullied, put down, degrated, you tell yourself, "why isn't she more upset? I'd fight back if I were her." You get upset and irritated watching the whole story line unfold. "I would've left by now," you'd say. "She's pathetic." However, a part of you is hoping that everything will end up as it should be; with her finally happy. (And, it usually does). You can't wait that long. Not anymore. I guess being a disappointment is the only thing that makes sense....for now. Until you find the solution, for yourself, you've vowed to be the rebel. Shall I tell you how this is all going to end? 

Everyone will begin to worry; you'll feel irritated. They will start telling you what you're doing wrong; you'll hate them for lecturing you. They just want to see you happy; you don't believe them. You'll push everyone away, and depression will take hold of your heart. You'll feel suffocated. You'll want to run away. Sooner or later you will; if not literally, emotionally. You'll become detached. Empty. You'll learn to smile at the right moments. You'll learn how to look happy. You'll learn to control your sadness; let the world see the truth, just enough for them to know that you're "just like everyone else". You'll forget yourself; your dreams, your desires, and all the things that used to make you happy. The only thing you'll be able to achieve is temporary happiness, because to achieve anything more than that, you'll have to open up and tell someone , and you refuse to feel pitied. This is how you plan to "fight back", by being the disappointment you think everyone believes you are -  when you're NOT. 

Black Friday Mania

Black Friday is an oxymoron tradition. I understand the significance of a discount, but to hurt someone in the process in order to obtain that discount is ridiculous. It also seems a bit sad, because a lot of people try to do their Christmas shopping on that day. It kinda sends a message that, "I'm buying this as a gift for someone special, for Christmas. If you get in my way, I will hurt you." Man, imagine if the three wise men were like that. 

Wise Man #1: "I will give the child gold."

Wise Man #2: "Hey! I was going to give him gold. Here, you give him this." (Throws a pouch at WM1)

Wise Man #1: (Opens pouch) "Myrrh?! What is this compared to gold? I'm not going to give this to the Savior! The King of Kings! Here, you give this to the child." (Throws the pouch to WM3)

Wise Man #3: "No way, I'd rather give the child my own mansion then perfume. This is nothing.I will give him the gold."

[argument continues and gets a bit out of hand]

.....Anyway, I could go on and on. But, is that really what mattered? What is a gift, if it's not from the heart? 

I understand that children only expect toys for Christmas. I understand that budgets are tight because of our current standing in this economy. But, there are ways to have a happy and simple Christmas. Growing up, my family had hardly anything. Some years we even went without a Christmas Tree (we just had Christmas lights wrapped around a table with a cloth and some hand-made decorations). But, that didn't stop us from celebrating the most expensive holiday of the year. We made due with what we had. And to be honest, those are the Christmas Pasts that I love the most. 

If you're wanting to buy something for someone you love, know this: "Love is the most expensive commodity. The more you are willing to pay, the more valuable the price. The question is, Are you willing to pay the price?" I believe that if there's a perfect gift for someone I love, then it doesn't matter how much it costs. And really, Christmas is not all about the getting, or even the giving. Sometimes, its just about the LOVE behind everything you do and say. 

So, if you intend to venture forth on the craziest day of the year, keep in mind the TRUE meaning of Christmas. It's not ALL about the presents you buy.

사랑, Aloha, Amor...Love.

It would be a bit dramatic to say that "I'm heartbroken", because that would assume my heart knew something about being whole. I have happy moments; memorable moments in life that cause my heart to "smile"(if that's even possible). I have felt that calming comfort of peace. I have smiled. I have laughed. And all these wonderful feelings have caused my heart to flutter, and beat in a way that makes me want to dance. But, I can't be sure if I've ever really Loved someone in a way that a woman loves a man. I've said the words a time or two (I love you) when the moment seemed appropriate, but every time the words escaped my lips, a moment of doubt creeps into my mind. It would say, "are you sure you mean that?" Not to sound conceded, but I know I have broken a heart or two because of my own inability to listen to my own. I stayed in my past relationships because I felt obligated and apologetic (sounds like a Korean drama). When my heart couldn't bear the responsibility of it anymore, I would simply walk away. No explanation. Maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to start any kind of relationship. I don't want to hurt anyone else. Especially if that person is already a close friend to me. But, here's the real problem; how will I know when to risk it?

The Elevated Perspective

When you're flying high above the Earth, everything seems so peaceful and beautiful. It seems absurd to think that below your feet there lies a world full of heartache, pain, and misery. And, with that in mind, you wonder how you'll be able to go back to it...

Today, I decided I needed an escape from the "every day". So, after another busy rush at work, I decided to drive up to Ensign Peak. With my ankle still a bit swollen from when I sprained it a couple weeks ago, I decided to only go up as far as the "look out". It was still high enough to escape the world below. As I reached the "top" I looked out and caught my breath. The earth was a glow, for the trees seemed to reflect the beauty and warmth of the sun. With no clouds in sight to deter the sun's rays, I wasn't bothered by the icy, cold wind. It didn't matter how hard it beat against my winter coat, I was in no rush to leave.

 How strange it was to see a world full of beauty and know of the hard-features that make up that beauty. As I sat there pondering on this thought, it made me realize something about myself, and about a few other people I know. Why is it that we keep ourselves at a "safe" distance from those we want to be close to? We fear the closer they are, the more they'll see, and the "beauty" that disguises those faults, will disappear. But, we can't continue on believing that our faults, shortcomings, and mistakes aren't part of the beauty. We are as beautiful as we are because of those hard-features. We are not scarred or ruined. We are stronger and more capable. As the earth continues to grow after an event of a storm, so shall we continue to grow. So, when you look in the mirror, and start to count the flaws, remember you are still beautiful.

I sat there for nearly two hours before realizing that my legs were getting numb. So, I stood up, took one last look at the beauty of God's creation, and headed back down to my car. Besides finding a place closer to God, I now know why the prophets of old ascended mountains when needing to council with the Lord. It's high enough above the world to escape doubt, fear, and worry. Ensign Peak is now my place to go to whenever I need such an escape.