The Disappointment

You were the "favorite". You were obedient...most of the time. You weren't perfect; you threw a few tantrums here and there. But, in the end you always went back to being the one that no one ever had to worry about because you always did what you were told. You always felt sorry for the ones that rebelled because their lives always seemed hard and difficult. You vowed to never let your life go in that direction. But, now you're here; tired and exhausted from just living a life you were told you should live, and you're wondering why your life is still as difficult as it is. "Wait a little longer," you'd say to yourself. "It won't be long until your efforts are finally recognized." With every trial and difficult time that you faced you repeated this to yourself, and it would reassure you for a time. Now, you're unsure.

It's been a while since those self-encouraging words brought you comfort. Instead, they make you feel pitiful; pathetic, even. You often get that urge to run away; to leave them all behind. But, how could you? You made yourself believe that they need you; that they can't live without you; and you don't have enough confidence to face the world on your own. So, what else is there to do, except throw a tantrum for not being able to live the life you thought you deserved. You rebel. You go against everything you were ever told. You become a disappointment. Why? For what purpose? "Just because." 

The pride that builds up is intoxicating. You don't want to be used anymore than you not wanting to feel pathetic. This is the only way you know how to "fight back". When watching a show where the female lead is being bullied, put down, degrated, you tell yourself, "why isn't she more upset? I'd fight back if I were her." You get upset and irritated watching the whole story line unfold. "I would've left by now," you'd say. "She's pathetic." However, a part of you is hoping that everything will end up as it should be; with her finally happy. (And, it usually does). You can't wait that long. Not anymore. I guess being a disappointment is the only thing that makes sense....for now. Until you find the solution, for yourself, you've vowed to be the rebel. Shall I tell you how this is all going to end? 

Everyone will begin to worry; you'll feel irritated. They will start telling you what you're doing wrong; you'll hate them for lecturing you. They just want to see you happy; you don't believe them. You'll push everyone away, and depression will take hold of your heart. You'll feel suffocated. You'll want to run away. Sooner or later you will; if not literally, emotionally. You'll become detached. Empty. You'll learn to smile at the right moments. You'll learn how to look happy. You'll learn to control your sadness; let the world see the truth, just enough for them to know that you're "just like everyone else". You'll forget yourself; your dreams, your desires, and all the things that used to make you happy. The only thing you'll be able to achieve is temporary happiness, because to achieve anything more than that, you'll have to open up and tell someone , and you refuse to feel pitied. This is how you plan to "fight back", by being the disappointment you think everyone believes you are -  when you're NOT.